Source: Trinette Reed | Stocksy

I saturday next to my best friend on her queen-sized, bed, surrounded past a mass of pillows doing what best friends do all-time: heart to hearts.

Her words stuck.

"As painful every bit it was, losing that friendship wouldn't have mattered if you lot hadn't learned anything."

We were rehashing the loss of ane of my closest friendships. My best guy friend. (Let'south call him David.) A guy who in the course of our iii-twelvemonth friendship I realized I was in dearest with.

We laid out the details like a deck of cards. What had gone wrong. Mistakes made on both sides. The scars it had left. What I learned from it. How I was planning to let go and move on.

I had done the unthinkable. I had written an emotional annotation to David ending the friendship. To top it off, I sent a text. A text maxim I couldn't be friends anymore. The emotional, disgruntled note came later when I felt the demand to explain my text. (A note, might I add, that was written while I was slightly tipsy. Something I highly warn against: drunken notes, texts, smoke signals, or really advice of any kind.)

Rewind to 2016 when I realized that I had feelings for my best guy friend. Later on three years of a keen friendship — of long phone calls, of making fun of each other, of seeing each other at our worst, of challenging each other to grow, of rooting for each other, of me calling him to come save me — I realized I was in beloved, and it scared the crap out of me.

What scared me was that I knew . I knew how I felt. I knew what he meant to me. I knew if I had to choose, I'd ever option him. It was that feeling that older, more mature couples talk almost, "When y'all know, you know."

Pause. Yes, yous read that correctly. It took me three years to realize I was in love with someone. So yes, a really long time. I sat on my newfound noesis of my feelings for a month, hoping I could volition them abroad. I didn't want to exist in beloved with my best guy friend because I was afraid of losing him, simply even more and then, I was agape of being rejected.

It took me three years to realize I was in dear with someone.

So what did I practise? I difficult-cadre blimp those emotions, deep, deep downward in a dark tunnel that no ane could find. I worked out to avoid feeling. I worked more hours to avoid emotions. I slept to avoid emotions. I shopped to avoid emotions. And guess what? The feelings were still at that place. They didn't go anywhere.

In the midst of my attempt to avoid reality, a friend gave me some words of wisdom. She told me that perhaps the beginning step is to admit what information technology was. I had been running, stuffing, and avoiding for and so long that coming to terms with how I felt seemed impossible. As we sat, talked, and sipped coffee, my heart began to ease and my lips finally released the words that I had been holding convict: I was in honey with him.


"Beingness honest about your emotions and existence vulnerable won't destroy you. In fact, information technology'll only brand yous stronger."

Ane crisp, clear 50.A. night with a glass of wine in paw, I took my phone to my apartment's deck, and I made the call. With shaky hands and a trembling vocalism, I said the words that I had been trying then difficult to bury: I have feelings for you lot.

Fast frontwards to present 24-hour interval: the love that I expressed to my best guy friend turned out to be unrequited. He told me while he had felt the same style before, he didn't retrieve we were a good fit. It was my biggest fear coming true in real time. Falling in honey with someone only for it non to be reciprocated. I felt embarrassed; I felt confused; I felt exposed; I felt stupid; I was hurt.

We tried going back to beingness shut friends similar we had always been, but it didn't happen that way. The phone calls stopped. The witty texts stopped filling my inbox. Nosotros saw each other over again in 2016 when we both were home. My center wasn't set. I thought I could be his friend over again, but my heart was nevertheless hurting. So when I got back to Fifty.A., I sent him a text and said I couldn't handle being his friend right at present. He sent me a thumbs up emoji. We haven't spoken since.

When I got back to L.A., I sent him a text and said I couldn't handle being his friend right now. He sent me a thumbs upwardly emoji. Nosotros haven't spoken since.

Gauge, what? I'g still here. Being honest nearly my emotions and being vulnerable didn't destroy me. It didn't kill me. While awfully uncomfortable, I am still here. To be honest, it was relieving to but be honest. It was like releasing pressure from a airship. Once information technology was pierced, it all just came out.

I fell in love with someone and that love was not reciprocated. OK. That's what it is, simply knowing that fact doesn't destroy me. Oh, near certainly it hurts like all hell, but if it was love, of course the loss of it is going to injure.

Years later, I surely don't have all the answers. I even so miss David at times, and I wonder why he didn't experience the same or why he didn't cull me. I miss our friendship the most. There's so many things over the last iii years that I'd like to share with him: my task layoff, my freelance career, my crazy roommate stories, my trip to Italy, my half marathon. Nevertheless, when I notice myself on the train of thought headed to the past for too long, I kindly take my ticket and head to the go out door.

I know now that I am enough, with or without this person. Simply considering 1 guy didn't pick me, it doesn't mean I am unworthy of love or non good enough. I am plenty, just as I am: imperfect, beautiful me.

I know now that I am enough, with or without this person. Just considering ane guy didn't option me, it doesn't hateful I am unworthy of love or non good plenty.

I am finding that part of being an developed and an overall emotionally healthy homo means allowing yourself to be existent and vulnerable. While at that place are a lot of things I would get back and do differently, I am proud of myself for having the backbone to be vulnerable. I am proud of myself for voicing my feelings. I am even proud of myself for saying I wasn't ready to be friends yet because I wasn't. I know at present that that'due south OK. I merely wish I would have had that chat in person and not sent a text. It deserved more care and so did he.

Yet, I can show myself grace because I had some growing to do, as we are all in process, imperfect human beings. In 2016, I was a hot mess in more ways than one. I didn't value myself nor my voice. 2017 saw a lot of growth, a lot, and male child was it painful. I grew to be more confident in my talents and gifts. I came to get to know and actually like the woman I saw staring dorsum at me in the mirror. I learned to say no, to set boundaries with other people, and to brand self-care a priority. 2018 allowed me to put those lessons into action and I gained a thicker skin. In 2019, I hope to just go up from here.

The peak tips I've learned and am implementing into my life.